Parenting with Kindness by Nana Natalie: A Grandmas Perspective

 

 Parenting With Kindness by Nana Natalie

A Grandmas Perspective

My name is Natalie LeBaron and I am a wife and Mother of 5 amazing grown children and 9 wonderful Grandchildren! The Grandkids range from 2 to 10 years old. My husband and I live in Murrieta, CA and have been married for 40+ years. 

My hobbies are playing Tennis, Pickleball, the beach, e-bike riding and spending time with my husband and grandkids!

I am currently a Professional Studies Major at BYUI and I am Graduating in April 2024 with my Bachelors Degree. 

The Professional Studies Major includes: 1)Marriage, Family & Human relations 2)Child & Family Advocacy & 3)Social Media & Marketing. 

I started my education at BYU Provo in 1980-81 at age 18 and I am finally finishing at age 61.(it's never too late!) 

I had a business out of our home as a hair stylist for over 30 years. I also worked for the past 10 years as a sales manager for a company called Nebo Tools. I currently am over the Marketing for my husbands Financial Planning Firm "LeBaron Financial Group" in Temecula California. 

My experience with Children is of course raising 3 daughters and 2 sons(39,37,33,31&24) and being a grandma of 9 grandkids. 

The 1st Photo below is was taken in 1999 and the 2nd photo is a current photo of our family at my sons wedding at the L.A. Temple in June of 2023. 

The goal of my Blog is to share some of my personal experiences and also from the material I have been studying from the NEPEM Model course. This course was based on the "National Extension Parent Education Model." Within the Model are seven focus categories: 

1)Care for Self

2)Understand

3)Guide

4)Nurture

5)Motivate

6)Develop

7)Advocate

I hope to educate parents on ways to help make parenting more peaceful & joyful. 

We all know that being a parent is one of the hardest things we will ever do. With that said, it can also be the most rewarding and wonderful experience that we wouldn't trade for anything in the world. 

The information that I will present is what I believe can be some of the key factors to helping us as parents and even grandparents to have a special connection with the children in our life & have the skills to help all of us be our best selves.

        #1 Care for Self 

Before you can effectively take care of another, you need to care for yourself.

This means that as parents in order for us to take care of our children, we need put our selves and our marriage first or we will burn out.

Taking care of ourselves includes: physical and mental health such as exercise, 7-8 hours of sleep, eating healthy foods, drinking 60-90 oz of  water, limiting sodas, sugar and junk foods, meditation, spiritual fueling (scriptures, serving others & Church)& taking time to do the hobbies we love. 

Another important thing we can do for ourselves personally is if we have a hard time self-regulating our emotions and have some baggage from childhood or otherwise, get some help. If we can learn to self-regulate in times of stress, we can model this for our children and be better as parents. 

No one and no marriage is perfect. This life is a learning ground to make mistakes and learn from them and be better. 

We can take the things our parents did right and learn from the things they did wrong and not repeat them. 

The best thing we can do for our children is love & respect ourselves and each other as husband and wife. When the children see that their parents have a strong relationship-laughing and having fun together, it creates security and happiness. 

To keep it simple here's a good suggestion; At the start of each month, sit down together and plan out 1 date night a week alone with out children. Keep committed to this plan no matter what.

If money is tight and babysitters are hard to find, then trade with a friend- get creative. If you can't find a sitter, tuck the kids in and have a romantic dinner and talk and catch up on each other's day. Really listen to each other without any interruptions of kids or cell phones. Then relax and watch a movie together.

If communication is an issue and you're not seeing eye to eye on things including raising the children, find a good counselor for talk therapy to get some help. 

When couples are struggling with communication in their marriage, the best thing to do is to right away find professional help. Having good communication is key in any relationship and many times it's about misunderstandings and not communicating with each other's love language.

By putting ourselves and our marriage first will give our family a strong foundation. 

Finances:

On the subject of finances, In an article titled "The Celestial Nature of Self-reliance," (Romney,1982) He talks about how important it is to be financially responsible. Staying out of debt, living within our means and saving for the future. A good question to ask ourselves is "Do we need it or want it?" 

Money problems can cause a lot of marriage issues and is one of the biggest causes of divorce. It is important to create a budget and stick to it. Being self-reliant means not to rely on the government or others and to be independent. It feels so good to be free of debt and have savings. Spend less than you make and choose to be frugal.

(Romney,1982) LDS General Conference

I love his analogy found in the talk (link below) “Let’s not be gullible gulls. We … must preserve our talents of self-sufficiency, our genius for creating things for ourselves, our sense of thrift and our true love of independence.” (“Fable of the Gullible Gull,” Reader’s Digest, Oct. 1950, p. 3) 

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/1982/10/the-celestial-nature-of-self-reliance?lang=eng

Here's a good old fashion saying that works yesterday, today and forever:

#2 Parenting Styles

 Sometimes couples don't agree on the same parenting styles. 

There are basically 3 styles of parenting styles: 

Authoritarian, Authoritative and Permissive.

In the Authoritative style, the parents are nurturing, responsive & supportive, yet set firm limits for their child.

This is the most successful way of parenting according to the studies. Parents in this category tend to develop close, nurturing relationships with their children as they provide clear firm consistent guidelines. 

In an article (link below) It mentions the Authoritative style benefits. It talks about the other parenting styles and why they don't tend to work.

Parents in this style have high expectations, but also know the importance of open communication and provide the support their kids need to be successful. They offer consistent discipline, considering the situation. They also are role models of the behavior they expect from their children.

This parenting style involves: (Authoritative)

• Having reasonable expectations of their children. They realize their children need meaningful experiences and freedom to be young to learn new skills.
• Understanding every stressful situation does not require parental intervention. Minor frustrations that confront a child can be an opportunity to develop coping skills.
• Learning that falling is normal while kids are young, just like teens need to break up with a girlfriend or boyfriend to appreciate the emotional maturity that lasting relationships require.
• Learning how to handle and manage frustrations and hurtful experiences when a child is young, as it gives them the tools necessary to handle situations as teenagers when they become more independent of their parents and turn to peers and others for advice.
• Encouraging independence, which teaches a child they are capable of accomplishing things on their own.

This parenting style has many positive side effects:

• Parents in this category tend to develop close, nurturing relationships with their children as they provide clear, firm and consistent guidelines.
• Children in this category are responsible, able to manage their aggression, have high self-esteem and are very self-confident.
• Parents are highly responsive, expect age-appropriate behavior and boundaries are clear and firm. Therefore, children are assertive, socially responsible, self-regulated and cooperative.
• Children are also happy, capable and successful.

Authoritative parents do not let their children get away with bad behavior.

To summarize, these parents provide:

• Consistent boundaries.
• Clear expectations.
• Appropriate expectations.
• Good communication, including listening to their children.
• Adaptations to different circumstances.

For more information on each parenting style, click on one of the styles below:

• The authoritarian parent. This is the "because I told you so" parent who is likely to degrade a child and ignore the child’s point of view.
• The authoritative parent. This is a mom or dad who sets carefully defined limits for children, the one who is a good role model and praises children for their efforts.
• The permissive parent. This is the parent who is afraid to set limits on children or believes a child has to be true to his or her own nature.

https://www.canr.msu.edu/news/authoritative_parenting_style

                       THE ZERO TOLERANCE POLICY:   

Each family will have different boundaries/rules for what is aloud in their home. A suggestion is to have around 3 "zero tolerance" behaviors that are not accepted and then consequences that the kids are aware of ahead that will occur if they choose those behaviors.

It is important to teach our children to have respect. 

If a child is upset at their parent and says things like "I hate you, you're stupid for not letting me have that toy." that is a ZERO Tolerance. Or if a child hits his sibling, that is Zero tolerance.

The child already knows the consequence for saying that, so there's no need to get upset with the child- just calmly say, "it looks like you have chosen no screen time for the rest of the day." 

There is no need to ever say, "If you do that one more time..." or "I told you to stop." They know that you are now going to be consistent and not get angry. They choose if they want to do the act and take the consequence or not.

At first the child might act like they don't care and even say "I don't care!"  But trust me, they care and after a few times, they will recognize the consistency and make better choices to avoid the natural consequence that they are already are aware will happen if they say or do any of those 3 unacceptable behaviors . 

Examples of Zero Tolerance behaviors:

* No hitting

* No name calling, teasing with siblings or talking rude to parents

* No lying

Examples of the Consequences:

* automatic 30 minute earlier bed time

* 1 day no screen time (or an hour or 2 hours depending)

* No friend day

If they chose to break any of those rules, they know a consequence already is in place. 

The Parenting Pyramid 

One of my favorite story examples is found in this Parenting Pyramid article link below. 

To summarize it, it's about a Father who learns that his young teen sons are at a pool hall to learn how to play some pool with friends. He gets himself all worked up and mad and tells his wife he's going down and getting them out of there!

Then he settles down and decides he'll wait until he picks them up and he'll tell the boys they can never go back because it's filled with people who drink and smoke etc.

Then... he "thinks out of the box" and decides that when the boys come home, he'll talk to them about how everything went at playing pool and tell them he hopes that they had fun, but then not say anything else. 

He comes up with a plan and tells his wife that every Friday night, he'll take the boys and play pool with them. He does this with the boys and they have a great time together bonding. Then after a few weeks of doing this, the dad says to his sons that he thinks that he'd like to stop going to the pool hall now and do something different with them. The boys agreed and were perfectly fine. 

The moral of the story is, that it is so important to build relationships with our kids and come up with out of the box thinking on how to maintain a good relationship, yet still helping them understand the "why" behind things. 

https://www.canr.msu.edu/news/authoritative_parenting_style

Communicating and most importantly, listening to our children by validating their thoughts and feelings opens a whole new world. We need to stop interrupting and hear them out. We will be surprised at how just by listening and not trying to solve their problems, that they will come up with solutions on their own. We will be able to pick up on so many of their feelings and what's really going on with them by listening and asking questions in a way that they will keep opening up. 

Last, and very important is the skill of Validating.

I was with my grandson one day and he had spent a lot of time in the morning before school finishing a Lego project on the kitchen table. 

After school he came home and shortly after, a bunch of friends and their Moms came by to say hi. My daughter had broken her foot and I was there to help. 

The kids were playing and were loud and wild and the next thing we knew, a couple of the kids went in the kitchen to the table where his Lego project was and started messing it up. 

My Grandson lost it! He was so angry and yelled for everyone to go home and was very upset. His Mom had him go to his room to cool down. While he was in there, I could tell he was going to destroy the room because I heard noises like he was throwing things.

I opened the door and walked in. I was expecting him to tell me to leave, but right away I said, "that was not right for those kids to mess up your Lego set.... I know you are so mad about it and I don't blame you."

Immediately his composure changed and I saw him taking a deep breath and calming down. By validating his feelings, it made him feel heard and understood right away. If I had walked in and said something like "you need to calm down," I can bet it would have made it so much worse. 

So just by validation alone, he came to me and we hugged and sat down and talked as I rubbed his arms and back. He felt understood. We came up with a plan that he would build his Lego's in another area that was more protected from friends and his little 1 year old brother. This plan would avoid and prevent further frustration in the future. 

One of my favorite books on Validating is "I don't have to make everything all better" by Gary and Joy Lundberg. 

I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better makes two propositions: First, you don't have to solve other people's problems. And second, by appropriately validating feelings, you empower people to be their own problem solvers, which will significantly increase the quality of your relationships.

The techniques of validation the Lundberg's share give people the space to solve their own problems while still feeling that someone cares. 

In the first half of the book the Lundberg's discuss the principles behind validation, while the second half shows how these techniques can work to improve communication and relationships with children, teens, spouses, blended families, and even on the job.

(Lundberg,1995)

#3- True Grit/Resilience

Having “grit” means that you are choosing to have a growth mindset. Someone who chooses a "grit mindset" will have the characteristics of willingness to put in a lot of effort, try multiple strategies, and  be persistent. A gritty person will be resilient and hardworking even when things become difficult. Rather than fearing failure in trying a new thing, a gritty person will rise up to the challenge and learn from their experience, whether they succeeded or failed.

In an article found on Avera website (link below) it says that 

As parents, we want to see our children succeed. 

A big part of teaching our kids to succeed involves letting them be frustrated or fail. Sometimes in an effort to protect our kids, we shelter them from important life lessons. Life will have ups and downs that we can't protect our kids from. We need to give them skills to cope with those stressors. Resilience is defined as the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties. 

It is important for kids and teens to have skills to cope with stress to be able to recover from setbacks and be able to plan for the future.  In order to succeed in life, kids have to be resilient, to have some grit. Grit is described as passion and perseverance to achieve ones goals. Grit has been found to be as important to school and life as IQ. 

Here are some tips to teach children to be resilient & have TRUE GRIT!

• Encourage competency by focusing on children’s strengths and empowering them to make decisions
• Don’t compare siblings. Recognize that each child has different strengths.
• Provide honest and sincere praise. Praise the child’s effort and not just the end result.
• Nourish strong bonds with your child, make sure they know they can come to you and discuss frustrations or anxiety. Stay connected as a source of support.
• Encourage them to be a part of the community and show them that their behavior affects others. By helping others, it may help them feel empowered.
• Model positive coping skills when dealing with stress or frustration in your life.
• Focus on your child’s strengths to increase their confidence.
• Teach them to start small when dealing with a problem.
• Train them to see a challenge as a lesson they can learn from.
• Help your child plan ahead. Show them how to use a calendar to plan, create to-do lists, give them the tools to create a long-term plan to reach their goals.
• Provide your child with challenging activities that aren’t easy for them. It is good for kids to learn to work through frustration.
• Don’t always provide your child with the answer, help them problem solve and work through the situation.
• Encourage them to take healthy risks such as trying out for the school play or trying a new sport.
• Help them label feelings and emotions, it is much easier to cope with jealousy or anxiety if you know how to describe what you are feeling.
• Encourage coping skills for dealing with stress such as deep-breathing exercises.
• Let kids know that it is OK to fail or make mistakes. Help your child to grow from these experiences.
• Promote optimism, teach your child to see the good in a difficult situation.
• Cultivate a belief in their ability to cope.

(Avera,2020)

https://www.avera.org/balance/childrens-health/helping-kids-develop-grit-and-resilience/#:~:text=Encourage%20them%20to%20be%20a,strengths%20to%20increase%20their%20confidence.

PRAISING CHILDREN

Research has shown that when we praise a child's skill rather than praising their effort, the child develops a fixed mindset instead of a growth mindset. When a child is inappropriately praised, thy begin to fear trying new things and new experiences. They decide to cower to their fear of failure instead of deciding to learn from it. They give up on opportunities that hold potential for them to learn.

It is best to say things like "you made great effort on your school assignment! or "You have worked so hard on riding your new bike, great job, so happy for you." 

Praise the effort not the child. Saying things like "you are so smart" "You are a very talented artist at such a young age" are not the best ways to praise. 

Ultimately, children who receive too much praise may learn to conform instead of innovating. 

They are less likely to be create and self-directing, and they may feel crippled by pressure. They may also choose activities based on what they think will please their parents and earn them the praise they've come to need. For these reasons, it's important to praise our children sparingly.(Cullins,2023)

https://biglifejournal.com/blogs/blog/praise

Bribery

Bribes for children may provide temporary compliance, but they do not work in the long run. With every bribe, a child’s sense of entitlement grows stronger, and they become less willing to do what is asked of them without a reward.

I remember when my kids were about 3 or 4 years old, and I was getting family pictures taken one day, the kids were fussy, and I started getting desperate and using bribery! It worked for the moment, but then the next time a situation similar arose, I felt like the expected some sort of prize for being good for a picture. 

Even though bribes are not a good thing most of the time, I still feel like in times of desperation when the children are too young to fully understand why they need to be good for a picture, that there is that occasional bribe that needs to happen. That is why I think parents are quick to use them even though they don’t truly work in the long run… desperation for certain circumstances.

Some other reasons why bribes do not work in the long run are bribes are often unplanned and happen in the middle of a crisis, which can teach children that they can get something they want by acting out. (As in the example of family pictures) They do not teach children how to comply with expectations.  Bribes can also lead to a false sense of accomplishment and entitlement, which can be detrimental to a child’s personal growth.

The statement “The goal of parenting is not manipulated obedience.”  The goal of parenting is to raise fully functional adults who can take care of themselves and make a positive contribution to society. By teaching and modeling by example, this will help them have a good foundation.

So, to raise functional adults who are independent, it is important to take the time to teach them the “why” behind what they are expected to do. It is also important that they have expectations that they fulfill and if they choose not to, they will have a natural consequence that fits the behavior.  This teaches children that in the real world, this is what will happen. By manipulating them into obedience, it will not teach them “real life” situations.

“The best rewards aren’t physical/material.”  This is important because in the world today, everything is instant, easy, and materialistic. Because I’m from the older generation than the average age of this class, there was no amazon, cell phones, internet, computers, door dash etc. 

My grandkids used to ask me when I’d come to see them, “Nana, did you bring us something?”  or “what will you give me if I do it.”  My response would always be “Yes, I brought you something… ME!” and I’d explain how I love to spend time with you and do things together. And I’d reply to “what will you give me if I do it” I’d say, “a big hug!”

They quickly learned that I wasn’t the grandma that brought them things. I came to spend time with them and do fun things!  

In raising children, the 1 thing I wish I did a little better at is being more consistent. Consistency is key... 90% of the time isn't good enough. Kids are smart and they will know that "10%" that you weren't consistent could be their chance ha-ha!

The 1 thing that I think I did good at is having fun with my kids and I loved to be with them! I had always wanted to be a mom & be home with my kids. 

In closing, I have a motto I like to live by for being with children and adults for that matter...

"It's better to be too kind than too strict" When I say too kind, I don't mean letting kids/people walk all over you, but to to me it's best to err on the side of kindness rather than toughness.

No one is ever going to say, "My parents were just too kind" but they will be more likely to say "My parents were too tough/strict." 

To give your children the best... Love your spouse, go on date nights, be consistent, be on the same page with each other on parenting and have fun! 

References:

Romney,1982) LDS General Conference

(“Fable of the Gullible Gull,” Reader’s Digest, Oct. 1950, p. 3) 

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/1982/10/the-celestial-nature-of-self-reliance?lang=eng

https://www.canr.msu.edu/news/authoritative_parenting_style

(Lundberg,1995) I don't have to make everything all better

(Avera,2020)

https://www.avera.org/balance/childrens-health/helping-kids-develop-grit-and-resilience/#:~:text=Encourage%20them%20to%20be%20a,strengths%20to%20increase%20their%20confidence.

(Cullins,2023)

https://biglifejournal.com/blogs/blog/praise